Resentment And Forgiveness - Part 3 of 3

In Part 1 we talked about how resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We talked about how toxic unforgiveness is to our bodies, as well as our souls.

Then we looked at a few verses of Scripture which gave us some instruction and some wisdom on forgiveness, forgiving one another, and not holding resentment against others.

Then in Part 2 we made an attempt to actually define “forgiveness”, and we said it was sort of the other side of the coin to biblical unconditional love as found in 1 Corinthians 13, for example.

Here's the definition we gave for “forgiveness”:

“Forgiveness is not holding something against someone as regards your unconditional love for them.”

And since it's the other side of the coin to biblical unconditional love, here's how we defined “love”:

“Love is truly, by the Holy Spirit, desiring the best for the one loved.”

So we said that when you forgive someone, you no longer hold their sin against them by withholding your love for them, that is, you still desire the best for them, in your heart. You still love them, with the love described in 1 Cor. 13.

What Do Forgiveness and Unforgiveness Look Like, And What Hinders Forgiveness?

OK, now let’s talk about what forgiveness LOOKS like, and what unforgiveness looks like, and how to forgive, and what hinders forgiveness.

And we’re going to do that backwards, starting with what hinders forgiveness.

Well if forgiveness is the other side of love, that unconditional God kind of love, then the main thing that hinders forgiveness, the one thing that keeps us from forgiving is a lack of love. And since love is a fruit of the spirit, then the main hindrance to forgiveness is what we call walking by the flesh, instead of walking by the Spirit.

A Little Side Road About Anthropology

Now let's take a small side-road and give a reminder of biblical Anthropology. That's the study of Man, what he was like before being born again, and after being born again. When you were born again, you became a new creature or a new creation, it says in 2 Cor. 5:17.

You were given a new spirit, a new nature, and in your new nature you love Jesus and hate sin. And of course the Holy Spirit came to dwell in you, Christ in you, the hope of glory (Col. 1:27). And you became one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17).

Your old nature was killed, crucified with Christ, the Bible says. Gal. 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.” And that's the new lifestyle that we want to live, isn't it? We want to live such that Christ is living out His life through us, and that requires walking by the Spirit.

Now, when we are in fellowship with Jesus, in surrender to Him, thinking “Not my will, but yours, Lord”, and being filled with the Word of God, the Bible, we are being filled with the Holy Spirit. The Bible tells us not to be drunk with wine, but to be filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18).

And you may have heard that by the verb tense of the original Greek, we know that it actually means to “be being filled” with the Spirit. In other words, it’s not a one-time thing, but should be a lifestyle. And so when we are in fellowship with Jesus, and being in surrender to Him and His will, and being filled with the Word of God, we ARE being filled with the Holy Spirit.

How Exactly Do We Forgive?

When this is happening, we will be walking, or living, by the Spirit, and we will have the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, joy, peace, patience, and so forth. But we’re keying in here on love. Because when we are loving, we will be forgiving. We will be casting aside the hindrance to forgiveness, which is lack of love, and we will love and forgive.

Remember, when we're walking by His Spirit, we are also walking by our own new spirit, too, in harmony with God.

So that pretty much also answers the question, How do we forgive, but let’s expand on that a little more.

How do we forgive? Do we just SAY “I forgive you”, or is it like a New Year’s Resolution, “From this day forth, I will forgive so-and-so”? Or is it a change of heart and mind that I just hang around and wait for the Holy Spirit to do for me?

How do we forgive?

First of all, if we are walking by the Spirit as a general lifestyle, we won’t even normally have to ask the question. Forgiving will be as natural as breathing. Forgiveness will flow out of us like carbon dioxide does when we exhale.

But what if we sense that we’re NOT forgiving? What if the very mention of a person riles up our bad intentions toward them? What if we not only don’t desire the best for them, but frankly we’d just as soon they’d exit the Planet, or at least exit our lives?

Then there is a process to get back to square one.

A Practical Process For Forgiveness

It’s not a complicated process, in fact it’s simple. It’s as simple as the simplicity which is in Christ, as the Bible says. It’s not an exact formula, but it might go something like this:

1.A recognition of the wrongness of unforgiveness, coupled with repentence, a change of mind, perhaps a prayer,

“Lord, I’m sorry for harboring that resentment. I know it’s sinful. I know it’s wrong. I want to love that person, and therefore forgive them. Fill me with your Spirit, because without you I can do nothing. But with you all things are possible.”

2.Coming back to the recognition of your new life in Christ. Again reckoning yourself dead to sin, and alive to God through Christ Jesus (Rom. 6:11). It won’t hurt to say it out loud, but of course it’s not magic:

“I am dead to sin and alive to God through Jesus Christ. I don’t have to hold resentment, and withhold love for that person. I am free in Christ to love and forgive, because the old me died and I am now a New Creation."

3.Exercising love toward that person. It may not be face to face. You may not even have that opportunity. If you do, great. Go ahead and show them love. Show them you are not holding a grudge or resentment. But if you don’t have the opportunity in person, pray for them. Every time you think of them, put off the resentment, and put on a prayer of love for them.

“Lord bless so-and-so. Draw them near to yourself, and work your wonderful will in their lives. And if possible, Lord, let them know that I love and forgive them.”

4.Rinse and repeat, just like shampooing your hair. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever let a root of bitterness grow. Practice is not unbiblical. Part of the fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and sometimes we just need to PRACTICE these things, until they are habit.

It can be a habit to walk by the Flesh, and it can be a habit to walk by the Spirit. So practice walking by the Spirit. Practice loving, practice forgiving.

Then you may find that in some mysterious way, it’s not you doing it, but Jesus, living His live through you. You may be skywalking in another realm, a heavenly realm, an eternal realm, and wondering how it was you used to hold all that resentment and bitterness for anybody.

A miracle will have been worked in you by God Himself. You will be walking by faith, not by sight. You will be setting your mind on things above, not on things of the earth. You will be walking in forgiveness.

And what does that forgiveness look like? It looks like love.

It’s patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13)

And then you are free.

Part 1
Part 2

Resentment And Forgiveness - Part 2 of 3

We talked last time, in Part 1, about how resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We talked about how toxic unforgiveness is to our bodies, as well as our souls.

Then we looked at a few verses of Scripture which gave us some instruction and some wisdom on forgiveness, forgiving one another, and not holding resentment against others.

OK, now let’s talk about what forgiveness actually is. How can we identify forgiveness, so that we aren’t harboring some unforgiveness or resentment under the surface that will spring up at any old time, or even worse, that will become a root of bitterness, not easily dug out? How do we know if we are really forgiving someone?

We’ll answer that today, but first let’s switch gears, and talk about another subject which may seem unrelated, but is VERY related to forgiveness. It’s SO related to forgiveness, it’s like wet is to water; like dry is to desert; like Abraham Lincoln’s picture on one side of a penny, and the Lincoln Memorial on the other side.

Love and Forgiveness

The subject I’m talking about is Love. And of course there are different kinds of love.

That Loving Feeling

There’s the affectionate kind of love, that anyone may have for another person that they are bonded to, such as a mother and child, or two long-time friends, or a couple getting married who we say are “in love”.

Now that’s a wonderful kind of love. That’s the kind of love that someone was talking about when they said that “Love makes the world go around.” It’s built into most people, and we could say like the old song says, “Everybody loves somebody sometime.”

It’s wonderful. But it also has a couple of problems.

And part of the reason it has a couple of problems is that it is based pretty much on feelings. Nothing wrong with that. Feelings are something God has built into us humans, so much so that if someone for some reason doesn’t seem to HAVE feelings, the psychologists diagnose them with some kind of so-called illness.

So this love which is a feeling is wonderful, but because it is based so much on feelings, it has a couple of problems.

First, it may not last. Now sometimes it does. Many parents keep their affectionate love for their children all their lives, and many husbands and wives grow old still feeling affection for their spouse.

But sometimes it doesn’t last, and the reason is, something has interfered with the good feelings. Maybe one person betrayed the other, or maybe they hurt them in some way, over and over, or maybe they rejected them, or slandered them, or left them, or physically abused them, or just ignored them.

Or maybe they just came across someone who gave them BETTER feelings, and so they stopped loving the one whom they loved before. Whatever happened, it knocked the legs of good feeling out from under the chair of love, and the chair crashed to the floor.

That’s the kind of love that most people talk about when they talk about love. That’s the kind of love that Hallmark and Soap Operas, and 20th Century Fox are usually talking about.

A Higher Love

But there is a higher kind of love than that. I’m not saying it’s better, exactly. And I’m certainly not saying that it necessarily FEELS better all the time. But it’s a higher kind of love, because it’s the kind of love that God has for His children.

And because it’s the kind of love God has for His children, He can put that kind of love into His children, so that they too can have that kind of love for God, and for other people.

Let me say that again: because it’s the kind of love God has for His children, He can put that kind of love into His children, so that they too can have that kind of love for God, and for other people.

And He does that through His Holy Spirit, and that’s why Galatians 5 says that Love is a fruit of the Spirit. It’s a fruit that is automatically produced in us when we are filled with His Spirit, when we walk by the Spirit, or walk according to the Spirit.

And when we do that, and when we have that God kind of love, it will have certain characteristics, which we see in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. You probably know these. Even Hallmark knows these, though they may not know what they mean. Here they are:

“Love is patient,
love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked,
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Now an important thing about this kind of love is that it has these characteristics NO MATTER WHAT. In other words, it’s what we call UNCONDITIONAL.

It’s not conditional on what the other person does. It’s not conditional on how we may feel, or what wrong may have been committed to us, or who the person is, or whether the person is our family member or whether they are evil or good, Christian or non-Christian, friend or enemy.

Yes, we can even love our enemies, because this God kind of love is a fruit, produced in us by the Holy Spirit. And all we have to do is walk in that Spirit, and we will have that kind of love produced in us.

That’s why the Bible says that "Love Never Fails".

That God kind of love never fails. And that’s why God will never leave us or forsake us. Because He loves us with that kind of love that never fails. Never.

And we can love others with that kind of love. Love that never fails.

And may I say this? With love that FORGIVES.

Forgiveness Defined

Which brings us to our subject. Remember our subject? We are talking about resentment and forgiveness. And now we can clarify what forgiveness really means. Because forgiveness is the other side of the coin of love, this God kind of unconditional love.

And with that in mind, let me take a stab at a definition of forgiveness, as the Bible presents it, and as God desires us to practice it. The kind of forgiveness that is not based on feelings, but on the fruit of the Spirit, which is love.

I’m not saying this is a perfect definition, but we don’t forgive by definition anyway, we forgive by love, so cut me some slack and let this definition sink in a little, and I think you will profit from it. Here’s the definition of forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is not holding something against someone as regards your unconditional love for them.”

And we might define Love like this:

“Love is truly, by the Holy Spirit, desiring the best for the one loved.”

This means that when you forgive someone, you no longer hold their sin against them by withholding your love for them, that is, you still desire the best for them, in your heart. You still love them, with the love described in 1 Cor. 13.

Now there’s a lot packed into that little definition.

To use an extreme example, if someone physically abuses you repeatedly, do you continue to let them into your presence and just “put up with it”? Of course not. You take steps of wisdom to prevent that. But you still love them. You still desire in your heart the very best for them. That’s love.

When you forgive someone, you still love them, unconditionally. And love, as 1 Cor. 13 says, “does not take into account a wrong suffered”. It forgives. Forgiveness is merely the other side of the coin of love.

How do we know when we are NOT forgiving someone, maybe even growing a root of bitterness? When we are not acting and thinking in love toward them. When we’re not patient and kind. When we are arrogant, when we are selfish, and so on.

Which is why we need to stay in close fellowship with Jesus. He is our life. When we commune with Him, these things tend to take care of themselves. He is in you, friend, if you are a Christian. Draw near to Him. After all, He's already there.

In another message we’ll look at what forgiveness LOOKS like, and what unforgiveness looks like, and how to forgive, and what hinders forgiveness.

Until then, spend some time with Jesus. Fellowship with Him in some sort of quiet time, and throughout the day as best you can. Walk in the Spirit, and you will see changes in how you love and forgive.

Part 1
Part 3

Resentment And Forgiveness - Part 1 of 3

One of my favorite quotes is from a fella named Malachy McCourt which goes like this:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Let me say that again:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Isn’t that great?

Resentment, or bitterness, or unforgiveness, is destructive, bodily, mentally, and most important, spiritually.

And in this day and age, I don’t know of anyone who would really dispute the health aspects of unforgiveness. You don’t have to be a Bible-believer, as I obviously am, to understand the detrimental effects of unforgiveness.

Toxic Effects of Resentment

The toxic effects of unforgiveness on our body/mind systems are clinically documented as well. Unforgiveness:

-distresses the central nervous system;
-stresses the circulatory system;
-stresses the muscular-skeletal system;
-stresses the glandular (endocrine and lymphatic) systems; and
-depresses the immune system.

One expert named McInnis put it this way,

“Unforgiveness distresses my central nervous system by harboring such feelings as irritability, nervousness, anxiety, hostility, anger, resentment and depression.

“Its distress constricts my heart rate’s variability, a crucial measure of nervous system health, as well as my cardiovascular system’s flexibility. It also disrupts the harmony of my brain waves, making me less able to think clearly and to make good decisions.

“In addition to fostering cardiovascular inflexibility, unforgiveness distresses my circulatory system by increasing blood pressure, heart rate and arterial wall pressure.

“Unforgiveness distresses my muscular-skeletal system by increasing forehead muscle tension, thereby producing headaches, and by also producing other symptoms: stomach aches, muscle and joint aches, dizziness, and tiredness.

“Unforgiveness distresses my glandular system via unproductive adrenaline rushes in support of fight or flight responses. When neither of these responses occurs to utilize this energy boost, it dissipates by agitating my other body systems.

“As my unforgiveness invokes all of the foregoing mental, emotional and physical strain, it simultaneously depresses the ability of my immune system to ward off both acute and chronic disease.”

Now this should come as no surprise when we look at what God has to say about forgiveness.

Some Scriptural Wisdom

And as an introduction to the Biblical view of this subject, I just want to do a survey of some Scriptures that deal with this subject, make some general observations, and then in a later message, offer some Biblical help in this area.

In listing those things which are common to the ungodly, in Rom. 1:29-31, Paul writes this:

“...sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving...”

Now that's some pretty bad stuff, isn't it? But do you know what's next on Paul's list, there in verse 31?

"Unforgiving."

A similar list occurs in 2 Timothy 3:2,3.

“For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

Ah, but Ephesians 4:32 injects some life and breath into this unforgiveness situation. It says,

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you."

Just as God in Christ forgave us? Yes, Ephesians 1:7 says,

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.”

Forgiveness of what sins? All of them. He has forgiven us of all our sins. Are there any sins of others that we may not forgive? Of course not. Again, Col. 1:14 says,

“...in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.” And again, that's all of them.

And so it's reasonable for God to say to us, as He does in Col. 3:13,

“...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also.”

Now I don't want this to be one of those “beat the sheep over the head with their duty” messages. I would contend that you already know your duty in forgiving others.

Yet you may not even really recognize that you are harboring resentment. Or you may recognize it, but have problems forgiving others.

And so, in two more messages in this three-part series, I want us to talk about what forgiveness really is, how to forgive, what hinders forgiveness, and so on.

But let me give you a preview by simply saying this. Forgiveness is one side of a coin. The other side of the same coin is Love. And love is the fruit of the Spirit, without which we are nothing, 1 Cor 13 says.

Pretty strong language, isn’t it? But we have love, shed about in our hearts by the Holy Spirit of God.

Next time we’ll talk about tapping into that rich store of Love.

Part 2
Part 3